And I've Loved in Shades of Wrong
by Guard24
Summary: Sometimes Emma catches glimpses of Killian's Milah tattoo and it throws her off. But that's not the only tattoo he has...


And I've loved in shades of wrong

We learn to live with the pain

Mosaic broken hearts

But this love is brave and wild

Killian's feet were propped up on the coffee table, with Emma's legs draped over his; her head leaning against the back of the couch, his head resting on top of hers. They had just finished their third episode of "Chuck" when he turned the tv off, his left arm tightening around her, pulling her closer and holding her secure in his arms.

"What are you doing? " she asked, combing her fingers through his hair.

"I found this book," he reaches across to the side table. and grabs the small, rectangular object, setting it in her lap, "at the library today with Belle. It's full of poems from years passed in the Enchanted Forest. She suggested I read it to you." Killian continued.

Emma couldn't help but smile as she picked up the book and turned it to a random poem. "Read this one," she pointed to the rustic looking page and held the book open to where he could see it.

She loves the sound of his voice, the vibration of it which makes her stomach do the weird flippy thing it so often does when they're alone like this. His voice was velvet and she focused on his words, his tone an octave deeper while reciting the venerable works from his time.

She catches a glimpse of it and it throws her off, the dark ink on his arm spelling out the name of his past love. Emma tenses slightly, wills her mind not to go there. It does anyway. She wonders if he's ever done this with her, if she even pales in comparison to the girl who's name is permanently inked into him. He spent over three-hundred years seeking revenge for her, and Emma knows it isn't logical to feel this way, but her mind continues on a path of 'what if' and 'will I ever be enough'. Normally, the tattoo didn't bother her; it was a part of him that she respected and loved, but occasionally in these small, not often enough, intimate moments, she can't help but wonder if he feels the same way about her as he did Milah, let alone love her more.

"Swan, what's wrong?" he stops mid-line, moving his hand from her knee to her cheek, gently running his fingers down it.

"It's nothing. Keep reading." Emma replies snuggling deeper into him. She knows he doesn't buy it, but he continues anyway, keeping a watchful eye on her. Killian read three more poems; one about a dragon, one about heartbreak, and another about mermaids and love.

Then he saw her gaze involuntarily drift to his arm where the ink was. He shut the book and pulled her closer. "Emma-"

"I don't want to talk about this."

Killian brushes her hair back behind her ear with his hook and kisses her head. "I love you."

"I know you love me, Killian. I love you too." Her words were soft and she interlaced her fingers with 're quiet for a moment. before she speaks up. "I also love hearing you read."

"Emma-"

"Please." she asked weakly, but he wasn't giving in this time. .He was trying to tell her something, and after a moment she realized he wasn't letting it go. She sighs and lets go of his hand. "What?"

He takes her hand and places it over his tattoo for a moment before placing it over his heart. She tries to piece it together, tries to read his eyes, which are gleaming intensely into hers. Under her palm she can feel the beating thud of his heart and it comforts her, makes her long to see more; feel more. Hesitantly, she begins to unbutton his shirt and that's when she sees the black ink peaking out behind the fabric. "Killian?" Emma moves the left side of his shirt off his shoulder. "When did you. . ."

"During the missing year." Her mind's been flying in a million different directions, mouth agape, hand frozen over the newfound tattoo of a swan. A swan.

"Why didn't you-"

"Tell you? You'd see it in your own time. I didn't want to pressure you."

"It's beautiful." she whispers, delicately brushing her fingers across it again.

"Aye. However, it doesn't do you justice." He pauses and runs his fingers through her golden hair, massaging the back of her head. Emma rolls her eyes and lightly nudges his shoulder, her face returning to a more solemn expression after the moment had passed. "Swan?" he says as her eyes gravitate back to the inside of his right arm.

"Emma," he tilts her head until he can look down into her eyes, glistening with unshed tears. "Sweetheart, listen to me. Before you, my life was a mess, but you did what no one else, especially Milah, could do. You forced me think about the future and consider a life beyond piracy and old vendettas." she raises from her position until they were eye level, her lips slowly curving upward into a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "I love you, Emma Swan, and yes, I loved Milah but this is man that I was, with her, was not capable of loving someone as half as much as I am now. My heart was guarded. You had walls, as did I. From the time I lost Liam to the day I met you," Killian paused and clinched his fist to combat the wave emotion that accompanied thoughts of his late brother. "I could never fully love; not in the same way. A part of me will always love her, but it doesn't compare to how I feel about you and never will. You've always seen me differently than anyone else has. You've always seen me as more than a one-handed pirate with a drinking problem-"

"Killian let-"

"No, Swan, let me finish. When I got this," he gestures to his arm, holding it up, "it was because I needed a reminder of my purpose. It gave me a reason to keep surviving, and on days that never ended and I could feel my mind slipping, I needed that. But this tattoo, your tattoo, is a reminder that no one else will ever have my heart. You, Swan, give me a reason to live."


End file.
